2014 Preseason Team Profiles: New England Patriots

We here at The Snap are super excited for the 2014 season to start because there are a lot of amazing story lines out there in NFL-land. As such, we thought it would be appropriate to provide you with brief team profiles with all the need-to-know information. It’s like an online dating profile, except there aren’t any lies about how tall the players are, the men are probably better looking, and overall, it should be an infinitely less awkward reading experience.

Please note, we would love to put pictures of all these players in here, but copyright laws make it really tough for us to do that. We know pictures make everything better, but we also don’t want to get sued. Do yourself a favor and Google image this stuff.


Team Name: New England Patriots

Division: AFC East

Stadium: Gillette Stadium (Foxborough, MA)

2013 Record: 12-4

Head Coach: Bill Belichick (2000 – present), wearer of the gray hoodie and master of monotone one-syllable answers

Quarterback: Tom Brady, wearer of Uggs, husband of Gisele, and one of the best quarterbacks of all time


3 Offensive Players You Should Know:

Rob Gronkowski, Tight End (87) – Simply put, Gronk’s a beast. If this freak of nature and life of the party can stay healthy, you should be seeing lots of Gronk end-zone spikes this year. He’s a very large man, so he’s hard for defenders to cover in the end zone.

Julian Edelman, Wide Receiver (11) – He tested free agency this year, but ended up coming back to the Pats, much to the delight of their fans. He stepped it up last year to replace Wes Welker, who went to go hang out with Peyton Manning and the Broncos. He’s also a really good punt returner.

Shane Vereen, Running Back (34) – He’s technically a running back, but he can also catch the ball really well. We like him for fantasy football because he can get you ground and air yards. He’s coming back from an injury, as well.


3 Defensive Players You Should Know:

Vince Wilfork, Defensive Tackle (75) – Big Vince has a restructured Achilles and a restructured contract.

Darrelle Revis, Cornerback (24) – This is the first year on the Pats for this shut-down corner. See below for more details.

Chandler Jones, Defensive End (95) – This is Chandler’s third year as a Patriot and he’s ready for an explosive year. He’s got all the physical tools to make it happen. We’re expecting lots of sacks from this young man. He also smiles all the time. It’s hard not to like a guy who looks so darn happy every time you look at him.


What Happened This Offseason:

– They picked up Darrelle Revis, who is probably the best cornerback in the game. (Ever heard of Revis Island? That’s what they call his spot on the field because he’s just that good.) He used to be on the arch-rival Jets for years, tore his ACL, went to Tampa Bay and didn’t really fit into their scheme, and now he’s just looking for a big payday. He’s technically got a two-year deal with the Pats, but it’s really only one year because the second year has a stupidly high payout that is not gonna fly with Bill and Co. The Pats defense improved as a whole over the off-season and Revis is a big part of that. He once called Bill Belichick a jerk.

Vince Wilfork asked to be released by the team. They were able to work through their issues and his contract was restructured. He’s coming off a big injury from last year, but is expected to be a dominant force, as always.

– They traded Logan Mankins, who is an excellent guard (offensive line) to the Buccaneers for a young tight end who is a work-in-progress and 4th round pick. This move shocked everyone because there are questions about the offensive line this year and Mankins is a great player and leader on the team. Age and his salary-cap hit are probably why he went bye-bye, but this move generally shocked everyone who isn’t part of the Pat’s front office.


Why You Should Cheer for Them: They have the hottest quarterback tandem in the league with Tom Brady and Jimmy Garoppolo. Any straight man will confirm this.

JImmyG2tfb training camp


2014 Theme Song: The Boys Are Back In Town (Thin Lizzy) because all the big names that were injured last year are poised to return


The Last Word: Too many injuries to big names last year, so it’s exciting to see Big Vince, Mayo, Gronk, Vereen and others back on the field. As long as they have Belichick and Brady, they should always be a threat in the post-season. We might risk losing our credibility here, but did we mention how attractive their quarterbacks are?

– Michelle


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