Yo, yo, yo! Throwin’ up duces, representing NFL week two. What, what!?
Midway through the 4PM EST games, Val texted me and was like “How are we going to sum this up on The Snap?”
I was like, “I don’t know.”
We eventually agreed that the phrase “royally wacked-out” would cover it.
This is what we thought about a royally wacked-out week 2…
Baltimore (26), Pittsburgh (6) – This game was a must-win for Baltimore, not only because it was against a division opponent, but because they needed to rise above the whole Ray Rice debacle. Owen Daniels (Ravens TE) looked weird wearing purple (he wore navy playing 8 years in Houston), but it must have been satisfying for him to get 2 TDs. Thought this game was going to be closer.
By the way, does anyone else think that ref Ed Hochuli’s arms got bigger this off-season? The man should seriously consider creating his own line of workout DVDs. (M)
Buffalo (29), Miami (10) – Where do you start with this one? As a Pats fan, I’m pissed because now the Bills are leading the division (although if Miami won they would be leading the division and I’d still be pissed). After their Patriot beat-down last week, everyone was all up on the Dolphins Offensive Coordinator making good changes and the O-line showing improvement. That went out the window. Makes me look like an idiot after saying Buffalo looked bad/boring/sucky in the preseason. Dolphins running back extraordinaire Knowshon Moreno got hurt, which is bad news for their run game. Bills WR Sammy Watkins looked like a first round draft pick. (V)
Carolina (24), Detroit (7) – Everyone wrote the Panthers off with their off-season changes, but right now they are 2-0 in their division. Cam Newton (Panthers QB) was back and throwing to a bunch of wide receivers even we don’t recognize. Carolina contributed to the NFL’s bad news week by sitting defensive end Greg Hardy. The Lions didn’t look as good as they did last week. Stafford (Lions QB) tried to force more passes to Megatron (Calvin Johnson, Lions WR), which we all know results in picks (interceptions). (V)
Cincinnati (24), Atlanta (10) – A.J. Green (Bengals WR), we feel really bad that you got injured and we wish you a speedy recovery, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are on the top of our Fantasy Sh*t List this week. Mohamed Sanu (Bengals WR) stepped up, becoming the first player in 13 years to catch and throw passes of over 50 yards in the same game. Let me repeat that. He threw a 50 yard pass. He also caught a 76 yard pass that was coincidentally a touchdown, as well. Atlanta appeared to be having O-line issues again. (V)
Cleveland (26), New Orleans (24) – No one saw this coming. Still double-checking the score because this could be a typo. (M)
New England (30), Minnesota (7) – The Pats defense is giving me whiplash. They essentially didn’t get on the plane to Miami last week and this week they show up big time, making Matt Cassel’s life a living hell with 4 interceptions and 6 sacks. Chandler Jones (Pats DE) nearly made me spill my Spiked Selzter (yes, I said Spiked Seltzer and it’s delicious) when he blocked a field goal and then returned it for a touchdown. Revis (Pats CB) kept Greg Jennings (Vikings WR) on Revis Island. With all that said, the Pats had 15 penalties (15!) and a terrible first drive, both of which had me saying some four-letter words that shouldn’t be said around innocent ears. Not much to say about the Vikings. I would like to think the Pats still would have won if Adrian Peterson hadn’t been deactivated, although I’m sure the score would have been closer. (M)
Arizona (25), New York Giants (10) – There may have been a lot of surprises this week but we weren’t surprised to see that Eli Manning is retaining his pansy status. Giants coach Tom Coughlin might want to start thinking about where he wants to retire if things don’t start getting better in New York. (M)
Dallas (26), Tennessee (10) – Last week the Titans were awesome and the Cowboys were not. This week the Cowboys were awesome and the Titans were not. DeMarco Murray (Cowboys RB) looked good, except for when he fumbled. (Fun stat: He leads all starters in yards per carry since the start of the 2013 season. How do you like dem apples?) Titans couldn’t cover Tony Romo’s (Cowboys QB) security blanket, also known as Dez Bryant (Cowboys WR), after Jason McCourty (Titans CB) left the game. Cowboys linebacker Rolando McClain, who has retired like three times, was beasting it up, including this fancy interception. (V)
Washington (41), Jacksonville (10) – RGIII (Redskins QB) got injured. Shocker. Kirk Cousins (Redskins backup QB who is no longer a backup) took over and excelled in Gruden’s (Redskins head coach) offense. Not a shocker. (If you paid attention during preseason, you would have known this was coming.) (M)
San Diego (30), Seattle (21) – Didn’t see this one coming. Antonio Gates (Chargers TE) was supposed to be old and unproductive, which is why he was on my bench in fantasy. Well, he kept that bench real warm with 96 yards and 3 touchdowns. Kudos to the players who didn’t pass out in the 90+ degree weather, especially the Seahawks defense considering that the Chargers time of possession was over 42 minutes. Someone should consider filing a missing persons report for the Chargers and the Seahawks running backs, because they were nowhere to be found. Richard Sherman (Seahawks CB) refused to talk to the media afterward and got feisty on Twitter. Hey Richard, you mad, bro? (M)
St. Louis (19), Tampa Bay (17) – Everyone (us included) figured the Bucs would win because the Rams were playing their third-string quarterback (Austin Davis). Well, we were wrong. Good for the Rams, they needed some cheering up. The Bucs are probably chalking this up as a “should have won” game, especially considering they were close to making a field goal at the end. Long story short, because of a stupid rule, the refs couldn’t call an injury timeout when one of the players legitimately got hurt and the clock ran out. Speaking of legitimately hurt, here’s your fun statistic of the day – Since Week 1, the Buccaneers have lost five of their 11 defensive starters to injury. Poor Lovie Smith (Buccaneers head coach). (V)
Denver (24), Kansas City (17) – This was closer than we thought it would be, but that’s what you get with divisional games. Jamaal Charles (Chiefs RB) broke the hearts of millions of fantasy fans everywhere with his high ankle sprain that could potentially keep him out for a while. Ankle sprains were apparently in vogue, since Chiefs safety Eric Berry got one too. The Chiefs offense ate up a lot of clock time, but didn’t necessarily score on their possessions, allowing for the faster moving Denver offense to go in for the win. (V)
Green Bay (31), New York Jets (24) – Is any Sunday really complete without a player getting ejected from the game? This week’s overly-enthusiastic participant was Jets Defensive End Muhammad Wilkerson, who got a little testy after Green Bay’s successful 2-point conversion. He was waving and smiling to the crowd as he left. Clearly, he wasn’t aware of the score and just how much the Jets needed him. The Gang Green lost in epic Jets fashion, over a stupid time-out call. The Pack waited until the 3rd period to take the lead and I’m really happy they did because the Jets would be insufferable if they started 2-0. My fantasy football crush Jordy Nelson (Packers WR) had 209 yds and a TD. I cramp up just thinking about running 209 yards, so good for him. (M)
Houston (30), Oakland (14) – Texan defensive end J.J. Watt decided to be a tight end and scored a touchdown on the opening drive. (Going forward, the Texans game will just be identified as “What J.J. Watt Did” in our weekly Our Thoughts game recap post.) In other news, Oakland was a hot mess. Even Raiders safety Charles Woodson said, “We suck. […] I’m embarrassed.” (M)
Chicago (28), San Francisco (20) – Al Michaels (Play-by-play Sunday Night Football broadcaster) said it best, coming back from halftime: “Now we go to the second half of zebras run wild.” Oh, Al.
Beyond the fact that there were so many flags thrown (26 to be exact), no one really expected the 49ers to lose the opening game in their gorgeous new stadium. Brandon Marshall (Bears WR) and Alshon Jeffrey (Bears WR) were supposed to be non-factors because of injuries, but apparently Marshall didn’t get the memo because he got 3 TDs. Even though the Bear’s run game was non-existent, they won it in the second-half based on turnovers and Kaepernick (49ers QB) and the 9ers collapsing.
Injury report included Vernon Davis (49ers tight end), and Charles Tillman (Bears cornerback). We actually feel really bad for Tillman, a really classy guy who had a serious injury last year. He’s the 2013 recipient of the Walter Payton Man of the Year award and the opposite of the players who have made headlines in the last week. (V)
Philadelphia (30), Indianapolis (27) – Let’s talk quarterbacks. Nick Foles (Eagles QB) hasn’t looked anything like he did last year, but then again, everyone had an off-season to plan for him. This is the first time Andrew Luck (Colts QB) has lost back-to-back games. Let’s talk running backs. Trent Richardson (Colts RB) looked good at the start, then fumbled twice, the second time allowing for the Eagles winning drive. Darren Sproles (Eagles RB) was a beast. Everyone should have known Chip (Eagles HC) was going to make things happen with him when they traded for him. Other big storyline was that people were questioning the ref’s game calling for the Colts at the end and suggesting it was too-conservative after the Eagles tied the score. The Colts controlled most of the game and then blew it. (V)
Got any ideas for the name of Ed Hochuli’s workout DVDs? Comment below!
– Val and Michelle